Sometimes You Know
by drakkhammer
Summary: Part 1 of the One Soul Series: Wherein Fili comes to terms with his dreams and his desires and finds that Kili is still his best friend. This started out as a one-shot but is now part one of a growing series. Oh you beautiful lads, what you do to me...


**Sometimes You Know **

Sometimes you know things you shouldn't know…and don't want to know. What do you do when what you don't want to know is about yourself and you can't change it or make it go away? What do you do when the shame runs soul-deep? What do you do when you start hating yourself?

The dreams had never been welcome, but they hadn't come very often so he could ignore them. Then they came more frequently, waking Fili up sweating, his body rigid, his hands fisted and curses on his lips. They weren't nightmares, those would have been preferable – even the night terrors he used to have when he was little. He remembered waking and running and screaming from a nameless fear to cower shaking in his parent's bed. He'd rather have had a thousand of those than suffer through one of these dreams.

A hunting party had been planned and Fili had already committed to going along. He was crap with a bow, but you can't just run up to a deer and ask it to hold still while you stab it with a sword. He'd tried a throwing knife once but it didn't kill the deer and he had to track it and apologize to it for the pain he'd caused. He'd rather go hungry than attempt that again. Kili was going, of course, he always brought down any game that was to be had. Like Fili he wasn't keen on taking a life, but he had an aversion to starving, so he just did it and didn't think about it too much.

Sometimes Kili didn't seem to think about much of anything too much. Fili watched his little brother and wished that he had his buoyant approach to life. Kili was like a puppy, all wiggles and giggles and charm. To meet him was to like him. He conned merchants out of sweets, teachers out of grades and could get them both out of trouble with just his smile and ready laugh. He was also completely unaware that he was doing so. Thorin and his mother despaired that he was oblivious to anything that wasn't right in front of his nose and even then sometimes it had to bite him.

"Thank Aule he's not the heir," his own mother had said as she watched a cart nearly run him over as he raced across the street to greet his brother. Fili took his hand and made sure he crossed back safely – and this was when he was twenty-five.

The hunt went reasonably well. Kili bagged a nice buck and Fili got several rabbits. Venison would be on the menu tomorrow. Kili shot it so he was going to have to clean it. Well, no…actually he'd smile at someone and get some help like always. It wasn't like he wouldn't work; he just didn't like to work alone. If he had his way dressing a deer would be a party complete with ale and musicians.

The hunting party had split up as the day grew warmer. Kili already had their deer and Fili had gotten enough rabbits so they decided to head to the lake to swim while the rest of the party found game.

The lake was isolated and beautiful with crystal clear water. The beech trees were already turning yellow for autumn but the day was hot, summer determined to hold on as long as possible. Kili tied his pony in the shade, dumped the buck on the ground and pulled the saddle. He stripped quickly and raced down to the water and dove in, cutting into the surface like a rather brick-shaped knife. The splash was very satisfying and he came up shaking the water out of his dark mane and spitting since he'd forgotten to close his mouth when he dove.

Fili was slower, unsaddling his pony and giving it enough rein to graze. He stripped in the shade and waited until Kili had gone under to run out and jump in. He dove in and went under coming up a good distance from his brother. Kili looked around for him and then swam over using his personal method that was half dogpaddle and half drowning. When he got close Fili went under and surfaced a distance away.

Kili stopped splashing and looked around for where Fili had been only to see him some yards away. Unfair. Fili swam like a fish while Kili was lucky to stay afloat; still he had to get to him and thrashed his way over. Feeling guilty about avoiding his brother he hesitated a moment too long and one of Kili's hands snarled his hair, hauling him cursing to the surface.

"Watch what you're doing, Kili, that hurt!" He untangled Kili's fingers and pushed him away.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying to get to you. Why did you take off?" He was apologetic and reached out to rub Fili's head only to be avoided.

"Can't I just have a swim without you splashing and trying to drown me? It's bad enough that you half drown yourself every time we come here." Fili's voice had a sharper edge than he'd intended and he winced internally to see the hurt come into Kili's eyes.

"Sorry." The word was very small and sounded far away. Kili forgot to keep kicking his feet and sank. His hand lashed out looking for something to grab and found his brother's wrist. Fili pulled him up, gave him a dirty look and swam away. Kili watched him go. Usually he envied his grace in the water but this time he barely saw him. He blinked away tears and paddled to shore, tired of the swim.

Fili pretended to be fascinated by a dragonfly while Kili shook the water from his hair and then laid down in the sun to dry. He waited until his brother's eyes were closed and he appeared to be drowsing. He tried to be quiet about coming ashore. He ran his fingers through his hair fluffing it to get out the water. He didn't manage quite the wet spaniel spray that Kili achieved, but removed enough water so that it stopped dripping down his back. With his hair drier he stretched, head thrown back, arms reaching upward to the sun enjoying the warmth on his skin.

He turned and saw that Kili was laying with one arm thrown over his eyes. His dark silk hair was fanned out on the grass like a graceful shadow. Fili's eyes stole a look that he hated himself for taking. His brother was slim for a Dwarf and not as heavily muscled as Fili. His muscles instead of being a slab across his abdomen rippled like a washboard. His sprinkling of chest hair was soft and lay in curls and waves that followed the line of his muscles down to his groin. His thighs were laid with muscle that tapered down to strong calves and broad sturdy feet. Everything about him was beautiful.

Turning quickly Fili grabbed his clothes, tugging them over still-wet skin. He was dressed when Kili sat up and looked at him, hurt still haunting his dark eyes. "I guess we should get back."

"I think we should so you can take care of this deer." He noticed Kili wince when he didn't say "we" but the moment passed and he dismissed it as being unimportant. He saddled his horse and Kili's. His brother came up and grabbed the buck, lifting him onto the pony easily and then swinging into the saddle. He turned and headed back home without another look at Fili.

Dinner was quiet with Fili eating little and Kili eating less. Both of them pushed their food around their plates and tried to look interested in the conversation around them. Dis noticed that they didn't eat and looked questioningly at Fili who looked away. She rested her hand on his wrist for just a moment, but did not press him. It wasn't the first time her boys had had a disagreement. They would work it out – they always did.

Fili left the table first. He walked aimlessly for a few minutes and then headed to the stable. He loved his pony and found the quiet sounds of the animals eating hay and switching flies to be soothing. Spotting a brush, he entered the stall and ran it over his pony's back, letting the work replace thought.

After a time there was a small sound behind him and he turned to find Kili standing there, tears streaming down his face, hands drooping uselessly at his sides. He raised one as if to touch his brother and then let it drop again.

"Please tell me what I did…please… I-I'm so sorry. I won't do it again. Honest I won't." His voice was ragged, choked with tears. "Please don't be mad at me…please…"

Kili didn't cry prettily. He looked like he felt – wrecked. His face was puffy, his eyes red and his hair in damp tangles. Fili felt like the lowest bastard on earth. "You didn't do anything Kee. It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm stupid and you're paying for it. I'm sorry." He felt his own eyes fill with tears.

He turned away. "This is just stupid. I can't, Kee. I don't know what to do. I don't want you to hate me." His voice caught in a sob. "I couldn't bear it if you hated me…if you found me repulsive."

"What…what are you talking about? I couldn't hate you." Kili moved around so that he was in front of his brother. "You aren't making any sense."

"I know," Fili whispered miserably.

Kili scrubbed at his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffed hard. "Nothing you're saying makes any sense. How could I ever find you repulsive?"

"I find myself repulsive, that's how." His words were bitter on his tongue; his heart felt like it was dying, blackening and withering.

He looked into Kili's sad eyes and saw his soul mirrored there. "I want what I can never have."

"What can't you have?" Kili was desperate. "You can have anything. What do you want? If I can give it to you I will go and get it" He looked ready to dash out of the door.

Fili grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled him until their noses were inches apart. "I want you." He backed up a step. "Now do you see why I'm repulsive?"

Kili stood there completely puzzled. "You want me to what? I will do it."

Fili sighed. "Sometimes you really are dumber'n bag of hammers."

Kili teared up again. He didn't have a beard, he was skinny and not the brightest Dwarf in the Blue Mountains. He was far too aware of his own shortcomings, but it hurt to have his brother remind him of one of them.

"I just don't understand, Fee. You aren't making any sense," he said his voice taking on a hysterical note of despair.

Fili looked at him and wanted to hug him so badly but he didn't dare. "Something is wrong with me, Kili. I'm having dreams…bad dreams about you."

"I…"

"No let me finish. I dream about doing things to you. Bad things."

Kili was starting to shake. "You could never hurt me. What kind of bad things?"

"Like this." Fili grabbed his shirt in both fists and drew Kili to him. His lips claimed Kili's in a kiss."

They both held their breath…and then Kili was kissing him back. He was hesitant at first then slid his arms around Fili and held him tight.

When the kiss broke, Kili looked at his older brother and asked, "But what if I want you too?" He brushed at the tears still slipping down his cheeks. "What if I want the same thing you do?"

Fili laid a hand on his shoulder. "Do you even know what I want – what you want?"

Kili's eyes clouded for a moment with worry. "No…I mean yes…I want what you want." He looked so earnest that Fili almost smiled.

"But what if I want more of this?" He drew Kili forward into a light embrace and brushed his lips with a soft kiss. "What now?"

Kili's breath caught in his throat and he gripped Fili's shirt pulling him closer. His lips captured Fili's, his tongue exploring and teasing stealing Fili's breath.

The kiss lasted until neither of them had breath left. When it broke, Kili said, "Fee, I have been waiting for you." He ran tender fingers along Fili's cheek. "I didn't know you were so worried about it. I just always thought we would be together. I didn't know you'd be upset. I just always thought you were my One and I am yours."

Fili kissed him again and this time when they came up for air both were smiling. "I don't know of any Dwarves who have their brother as their One." Fili said softly.

Kili shrugged. "We aren't any Dwarves – we are Us. One soul with two bodies. We are Fili and Kili. How could I ever think of being with anyone else? We belong together." He sniffled and looked at Fili out of the tops of his eyes. "Are you still mad at me?"

"No. I was mad at myself and now I'm twice mad at myself for being a fool and thinking I knew what was going on in your head." He kissed Kili's forehead and smiled.

"Am I still dumber'n bag of hammers?" His tone was teasing, his eyes were still puffy but the sparkle had returned.

Fili ruffled his hair. "A big bag and I'm dumber'n a whole mine full of 'em."

Typical of Kili, his sorrow had vanished to be replaced with a broad smile. He had his Fili back and the world was sunny again. He beamed at him and grabbed him in a hug. "What now?"

"I'm not sure," Kili said, "but it had better be back in our room."

Kili took off at a dead run with Fili hot on his heels.

Their room was both familiar and strange. They had shared it and the bed for years, but now it seemed different. They stopped their race at the doorway and when they entered they shut the door on what they were. Both found it intimidating. They were aware they were taking a step that could not be untaken. There would be no going back to innocence…but then there was no returning after Fili had deciphered the cryptic language of his dreams. It was time to cast off what was and embrace what would be.

Fili took Kili into his arms and held him for a moment before moving back so that they could kiss. It was tentative and soft and stole their breath away. The kiss deepened, tongues delving and darting and licking at moustache and stubble. Kili caught one of Fili's moustache braids in his teeth and tugged it playfully, making Fili smile. After what he'd gone through he would do anything to make Fili smile. He was so glad he hadn't done anything wrong. He slid his arms around his brother, trying to do everything right.

When they were breathless they parted and headed for the bed. Once they got there they hesitated. Neither of them had any experience and although they had both had "The Talk" with Thorin it hardly told you what to do in bed. Their friends had always been willing to supply information but both were pretty sure that most of the whispered and giggled information was as wrong as a two-headed dog. One of the boys had showed them some drawings he had but that only confused them more. There was nothing for it. It was going to have to be trial and error.

"I suppose we should get undressed," Fili said nervously.

Kili shook his head. "I don't think I'm ready for that yet…I'm sorry."

Fili took his face between his hands and kissed him tenderly. "No more apologies, Kee. I'm so sorry I was a bastard earlier, but it's past. Just let me know what you want tonight."

Kili sniffled a little. "Ok, and you too. You tell me."

"No worries, mate. I will let you know."

They collapsed on the bed in a tangle of legs, cuddled as close as possible, lips locked as if their very breath depended on being in contact. Hands were roaming, tangling in hair and beards, stroking and kneading. It all felt wonderful. It was scary too and that made it all the sweeter.

Kili licked his way down Fili's neck and tugged at his shirt, trying to go lower. Without thinking about it Fili moved and stripped it off in one motion. He collapsed back on the bed and watched Kili as he started kissing again, moving down, across and to a pink nipple stiff now with the chill of the room and arousal. Instinct served him well and he licked and sucked the hard nub, reveling in Fili's reaction to his ministrations. He paid homage to the other nipple and then was pulled up into another long deep kiss.

When he could breathe, Kili stripped his shirt off and lay back enjoying Fili's attention. He didn't even mind that Fili got his fingers tangled in Kili's hair and gave it a hard yank when he changed position. "Sorry, next time maybe we should tie it back."

Kili shook his head and moaned as Fili worked his way downward, soft hair trailing against hot skin. "I love your hair and your beard on my skin. Love it, Fee." He curled around Fili, the feeling of having his nipples played with giving him spasms of pleasure that made it impossible to hold still.

Fili slid his hand downward over Kili's rock-hard abdomen to the juncture of his legs. He was up hard, his cock tenting his pants. He moaned so loud when Fili touched it with the back of his hand that he scared them both. He giggled nervously and took Fili's hand and moved it onto his erection. They both froze, getting used to the feeling of touching and being touched by another.

Fili moved his hand slightly and Kili purred like a cat, stretching out and inviting him to do more. He did more…he slid his palm down the underside of Kili's arching cock. He wanted to do wonderful things to it, but he didn't know what to do. He paused for a moment and then realized that all he had to do was what made himself feel good. If he did the same things to Kili that he liked it would probably work.

He slid his fingers up the shaft, tickling it through the cloth and then ran his fingernails across the head. Kili arched and moaned, wanting more. Fili pressed harder, circling it as much as he could with the pants still on and using his palm to stroke. It felt amazing to him and Kili's whimpers told him that his attentions were appreciated.

He was surprised to find himself pushed back when Kili suddenly sat up and reached down, sliding questing fingers beneath the waistband of his pants to grasp and hold him. The feeling was intense and he strained upward, wanting more.

"Take your pants off," Kili panted.

"You too, Kee," was the response.

Clothes were shed in a scramble, boots argued with as they refused to be kicked off, but once the hurricane of undressing was over they were encompassed in another storm. Hands flew over tender skin, fingers gripped and teased and encircled getting in each other's way. They finally settled on gluing themselves to one another with only enough room between them to cradle the other's cock. It was awkward but it felt amazing.

Lost in the indescribable feeling of having someone you love give you pleasure they kissed open-mouthed, each drawing breath from the other. There was no coordination and no thought beyond giving and receiving pleasure. They pushed and pulled and licked and kissed and murmured endearments in a mix of Common and Khuzdul. Hard muscles rolled against hard and soft skin pressed against soft, they were immensely strong and incredibly gentle.

Fili came first, spurting over Kili's hand and onto belly to mix moments later with Kili's discharge. The slickness encouraged them to slide inquisitive hands down sensitive shafts drawing out the last of the aftershocks. When it was finally over Kili withdrew his hand and brought it up to his face. He stunned Fili by darting his tongue out and licking the milky fluid that clung to it.

"You taste good, Fee," he whispered, dark eyes dancing with mischief.

Not to be outdone, Fili pulled his hand up and tasted Kili. He was surprised that it wasn't bad at all; slightly bitter, a little salty and smelled warm and somehow like life. He felt himself stiffen again as he licked his fingers and watched Kili lick his. When Kili's hand pressed against his mouth he didn't hesitate to taste. He was not at all surprised to find that they tasted identical. Kili had said they were one soul with two bodies, but even these bodies were alike, complimenting one another.

Kili felt Fili's cock rise against his belly and his answered in response. Slowly they started to move together in the dance as old as time. It was a different step, it was their own personal choreography each learning as the other invented a step. Over time they would perfect it, but tonight it was perfect for all its faltering and missteps. It would never be the same as it was on this night with the stars shining outside the window and their love for one another shining in their hearts.


End file.
